Berlin Blues

Berlin Schönefeld airport. Old, decrepit, small, claustrophobic in places, due to have been replaced. My experience there today was one of increasing frustration.

The day began well, with three train journeys, each one punctual to the minute. The stress began shortly after entering Terminal A. Departures, naturally, are upstairs. There are eighteen check in desks, in two banks of nine, in an area so small you could comfortably throw a tennis ball from one side to the other without much effort.

However, in between is a snaking queue of similarly frustrated passengers waiting to go through the security gate, restricting each check in desk to a queue depth of a few metres. Matters are not helped by there being insufficient barriers to guide the security queue, so the queue of confused travellers randomly juts out into the remaining space.

Furthermore, in front of all this, the Berlin Landespolizei have three massive scanners for luggage pre-screening. Again with a long, ungainly queue.

Once through security, one can relax in a corridor that has a handful of shops and one bar. Kilkenny's Irish Pub, obviously.

As I write this, I'm sat in a small departure lounge - more accurately a slightly larger Portakabin - waiting for my flight. This is, of course, at the furthest reach of the terminal.

Actually, there's the incoming plane. Salvation may be at hand, at least until Ryanair's first onboard announcement.

The (lack of) Joy of Travel

I am old enough to remember Alan Whicker. Yes he shilled for Barclaycard, but he also presented 'Whicker's World'.

This was a globe-trotting series from the days when long-haul flights were expensive, required multiple stops for refuelling and had an irresistible sheen of glamour.

These were the days of the jet set. Movie stars. Models. Millionaire businessmen. Minor royalty.

The series presented travel as a relaxing pursuit, where you could discover as much or as little about your chosen destination at your own pace.

It seems a world away from modern travel, because it is.

Modern travel is horrible. It is tiring, stressful, nerve-wracking, tedious ... and if you are really unlucky, your chosen destination will be infuriating and no fit place to relax. (Unless you are a masochist who wants that sort of thing.)

Here are some reasons why.

1. Thomas Cook
Yes there is the convenience of having all your holiday planned and booked for you, and he can hardly be held responsible for Club 18-30 or whatever it's called now. (Ironically, -12 was the average IQ of their holidaymaker.)  However as the first travel agent, I am holding him to account for all subsequent agencies.

Many are fine establishments, with fine, motivated staff, but there's something a little disheartening about the proliferation of them on the high streets, each window an overlit beacon of forced cheerfulness.

2. Michael O'Leary
The man is a genius. Cut and cut and cut and cut, then cut some more. Advertise flights as cheap, then add everything back on as fees and charges. Insult your customers like the cattle you would have otherwise been tending in Ireland, but be lauded as 'plain speaking'. Dress like a tit at the drop of a hat yet still be taken seriously.

The turnaround time on Ryanair is twenty five minutes. It is little wonder that it is so expensive to have the audacity of taking a suitcase. Can you imagine unloading nearly 200 items and then loading another 200 in less than half an hour? Neither can Mick, so gently nudge your customers into travelling with hand luggage, not forgetting to drill your gate staff to ruthlessly check every item so you can cheerfully charge even more to put an item in the hold. Guantanamo Bay should have contracted to Ryanair, not Blackstone - forcing an orange-suited inmate to repeatedly go through such procedures would have cracked them in no time at all.

Oh, and then you are stuffed on a plane and relentlessly sold at for the length of your flight. (I will admit that it is impressive to perform the whole routine of newspapers - refreshments - duty free - scratchcards on a 40 minute flight.)

3. Architects
I know that not much should be expected of the architectural quality of large, newly built hotels, but do they all have to be so unremittingly awful. The average holidaymaker is looks to escape for one or two weeks from the drudgery of working in an office or factory. The last thing they want is to be staying in somewhere resembling their workplace. If they are lucky enough to be in a hotel which has a bit of style about it, a quick glance outside should shatter their reverie.

4. Terrorists
Terrorists no longer need to perform any more aviation-based attacks. The planet has been scared into submission. In the name of security (do you need help with that rubber glove, officer?) travellers are subject to evermore intrusive checks. If the full cavity search isn't for you, we can instead microwave you to see through your clothes.

In fact, shedding our clothes (and inhibitions) might be the answer. 'Is that a gun in your... oh, just pleased to see me. Move along.'

5. Us
We are all intolerable and intolerant now.

The misplaced sense of privilege and entitlement, coupled with bizarre notions of respect and expectation, have the potential to make a flashpoint out of any situation.

Keep quiet and to yourself, you are singled out as the weirdo, unless you are doing so to avoid confrontation with the loudmouth gobshites insisting on making their voices heard, even though it is a stream of bellowing, belching and curses.

Society has been conditioned to believe that everyone else is somehow either bucking the system or better off by unfair means.

And breathe...

Where do I apply for my grumpy old man license?